Somebody, please burst POP burger’s bubble

A lot of ink and many column inches have gone into trying to convince people that celebrities are just ordinary folks like you and me. Look! Reese Witherspoon pumps her own gas! Oh my! Tori Spelling buys dog food from Costco! Keanu Reeves forgets to zip up! Well, my friends, they almost had me convinced. But recently, I had a meal at POP burger that taught me that celebrities are unbelievable idiots, unworthy of their station in life, undeserving of our regard, un-damn-Tweetable.

It happened last Sunday. I’d spent the afternoon pushing through the hordes at FAO Schwartz, looking for a toy garbage truck for my son. Deciding not to pull the trigger on a $65, scaled down, German-made, uber-functional garbage truck, I broke out of the crowd and scanned my surroundings for lunch options. Not a whole heck of a lot in the Fifth Ave. and 58th St. area. And then I saw it. POP burger. The name flew back into the dusty, floppy-disk reaches of my long-term memory, and I recalled seeing the restaurant featured in the “Burger Paradise” show on the Travel Channel. POP burger was praised as a hip spot to fuel up after a long night of partying. And, the burgers were so good, that celebrities like Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake would order oodles for recording sessions. Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake!

Yeah, well, the burgers are not great. You can’t specify the done-ness, so you end up with these medium/medium-well patties, that are somewhat light-colored, with unidentifiable red flecks throughout. They’ve got a reasonably beefy taste, but the texture just screams elementary school-lunch burger. The bun is dry, eggy, and over-dominant. Finally, there’s a Russian-dressing special sauce, which adds absolutely nothing to the mix. My onion rings were beautiful to look at, perfectly fried, golden and glistening. But, they tasted somewhat off, mealy-malty, with a nasty after-taste. What, I asked myself, is wrong with these hip-pop gods? What is wrong with the universe? Why did I pay $17 for burger, onion rings, and a shake? What am I doing, trusting Travel Channel restaurant recommendations?

All is not lost. POP burger does make an incredible milk shake. Rich, thick, creamy, chocolaty, and not over-sweet. I sipped contentedly, sitting in the shadow of a fountain, watching street dancers separate Wisconsinites from their hard-earned money. Mmm.

I’m back. I missed you. I’ll never leave you again.
-Eatist